Many of us would love to live out our dreams – whatever that is! For many of us, when we were little girls, our dreams of fairy tales may have involved meeting a man – Prince Charming, to sweep us off our feet and who knows what to say when and finally propose. We have that beautiful dream wedding where we are the princess we are meant to be and everything else we could imagine!
Though this image is a fantasy, it is not too far from reality –everything we ever dream of, we can make happen – if we choose to!
Now, let us explore this together!
Most things in our lives, to a large extent we have control over. Whether we are conscious of it or not! Life doesn’t happen to anyone, and we choose more than we are victims of things! Yes, indeed, there are a few things and times when we are handed down cards that are hard to play with! And yet, we can choose what to do with even those cards!
One of such cards is infertility and I walked that journey, so I know every excruciating pain that comes with failed treatments, miscarriages, fear, the impact it has on a couple, etc.
However, my infertility journey changed dramatically when I accepted this is what it is, and I lived my life happily either way!
There is a Prince Charming but he is not as perfect as the movies portray! Now, there is always a window of choice! Once we choose, the decision to keep choosing is one we must do every day. The alternative is to stop choosing him and suddenly detest everything about him! Most times, people have not changed that dramatically. Yes, of course, people change, but not as 360 degrees as we portray!
Before you give up, let me give my 3 guides to the fairy tale when the marriage looks like a nightmare.
My 3 tips for shifting from Chaos to Happy Ever After!
It is possible! I will be honest, though, it is not a walk in the park! It is HARD work!!!! But the results are totally worth it!
Tip #1: Choose You First!
Tip #2: Choose Him Over and Over Again!
Tip #3: Embrace the ride!
Tip #1: Choose You First!
There is no change if it doesn’t start with you! Usually, when we see the things in our marriage that we don’t like, the truth is that something inside us calls us to action! Of course, the other person may be doing things that are not ok. But more importantly, is the truth that something has shifted in us!
What were your dreams? When was the last time you sat and drew out what you actually want from the marriage, why you married, and all the big and cute little things you imagined would make you satisfied that you took this ride with your sweetheart?
For the next 3 weeks what if you focused on what you wanted for yourself without a huge focus on what the other person is doing or not doing? Give yourself a break to focus on YOU! And every time you want to spend your energy on the other person, put that energy on you!
If you should spend a lot of energy, money, pain, and grief on working hard, why not start with you? A simple thing that makes a difference is the mindset you are operating in!
When you are convinced of what you want and how you want to be in the marriage, many other important things come easily!
Love yourself enough to make that final decision. What if I focused on ME? Getting me to that place where I love myself and take me and my growth seriously?
This is your chance to get what you want from this situation that may be challenging!
You can see it as an opportunity to grow, and be the best version of yourself! No situation you face in life is meant to overshadow you! It could work out for your good! What is that good? Why not explore it? If you need help to do that, reach out! It will be the best gift you gave yourself – investing in you!
Tip #2: Choose him over and over again!
Marriage is not a one-time decision; it’s a daily choice to be with your partner. This tip emphasizes the importance of continually choosing and appreciating your spouse.
- Express Gratitude: Regularly express your appreciation for your spouse’s qualities, actions, and efforts. Small gestures like saying “thank you” or leaving love notes can go a long way in reinforcing your love and commitment.
- Date Nights: Keep the romance alive by scheduling regular date nights or special moments together. These activities remind you of the reasons you fell in love in the first place and create cherished memories.
- Conflict Resolution: Inevitably, conflicts will arise in any relationship. Choosing your spouse again means resolving conflicts with love and understanding, rather than letting them fester. Practice active listening and empathy to work through disagreements together.
Let me say clearly here that all these things may not be possible for you to do just because you read about them! For most of us, in the place we are at now, not only do we not believe this is the right thing to do, but we even absolutely do not want to do it, because we are hurt, sad, disappointed, or may even say we don’t love him that way anymore!
Now, these feelings are justified, but when entertained and indulged, you will end up in only one of two places – Living in Limbo – unhappy but not bold enough to leave! Or the other one – Divorce! If these are the outcomes we want, then it is okay to keep being in that state. However, if we want a different outcome, you need help exploring your options and how to get there if you can’t do this yourself gradually. It isn’t as complicated as we think. It is a mindset shift that a good coach can help you with. No one is saying what the other person is doing is okay, but what we are pointing out here is, that the decision to stop the pain and move everyone into Happy Ever After is in either one of your hands, and if you want that fairy tale dream you had as a little girl, then why not take matters into your hands and make it happen? Even if you want to divorce, do it properly, not from a place of pain and bitterness, that can get very messy! But why divorce if you can save everything you worked so hard for?
For a compelling argument for saving your marriage, Read my blog on Save your Marriage. It is worth it!
Tip #3: Embrace the Ride!
I need not say that Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, and embracing this fact can significantly contribute to your state of being and the outcome. One of the mindsets that especially those going through marital challenges have is the fact that because there are challenges, it is not good! I am not saying you should stay in an unhealthy abusive relationship, or someone with significant issues like substance abuse who wouldn’t seek help! But even those extreme issues, with the right help, I have witnessed turn around to the most beautiful relationships!
All marriages face challenges! Yours is not terrible just because it is going through a trying period! In the same way that we work hard at many things in life, and pay to get experts’ input into different things, sometimes, marriages need help, support, and some love to push it to the right place.
- Accept Imperfections: Understand that neither you nor your spouse is perfect. Embrace each other’s flaws and quirks, and remember that imperfections make your relationship unique and special. 2. Adaptability: Life is ever-changing, and so is marriage. Be adaptable and willing to grow together. Embrace the changes that come your way, whether they involve career shifts, parenthood, or personal growth. 3. Celebrate Milestones: Don’t wait for grand occasions to celebrate your love. Celebrate the small victories, anniversaries, and even the ordinary days. Recognizing these moments keeps the love alive and strengthens your connection. 4. Seek Support: There’s no shame in seeking help when needed. Whether it’s couples therapy, advice from trusted friends, or self-help books, seeking support can provide valuable insights and tools for navigating the challenges that arise.
In summary, a happy and lasting marriage requires continuous effort and a commitment to both self-care and nurturing the relationship. By choosing yourself first, choosing your spouse repeatedly, and embracing the journey with all its ups and downs, you can build a strong and enduring partnership that stands the test of time.
Author’s Bio:
Claire Afua Jørgensen, is based in Denmark, married and with two kids. She is an NLP Practitioner and a Christian Marriage Coach. She is currently immersed in the pursuit of a Ph.D. in Neuroscience, Psychology, and Faith. Over the past few years, she has worked with countless couples and individuals, with a special focus on women whose marriages have veered toward the brink of divorce. In her capacity as a coach, she has devoted her energy and expertise to guiding and helping them Save their Marriage.
She offers a variety of services, including one-on-one coaching sessions, group coaching, and transformative retreats, tailored to meet the unique needs of individuals and couples facing difficult challenges in marriage.
Website – https://claireafuajorgensen.coach/
